What 10 things made this a good year?


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It’s that time of year when many of us look back on the year that has passed and have a quick mental review of what sort of year it was. We all wish each other a ‘Happy New Year’ at the start of January, so how did your year go? Spend a moment now just looking back over the last 12 months of your life and see what your overall feeling is about this year.

Isn’t it strange how when we do this we tend to focus on the things that went wrong, were really bad, or disappointing? I noticed myself doing this, which prompted me to write this blog.

For many, this has been a particularly challenging year as things have shifted on the world stage. Perhaps you have experienced #anger, #anxiety or even #depression. Add in any personal, financial or emotional challenges and your review may be teetering on the edge of that negativity cliff! We all have this negativity bias as part of our human nature and it helps us to watch out for threats or danger in our everyday lives. However, we can become too focussed on what went wrong and fail to notice what went right! It is easy to become blinkered to the good stuff. So, I decided to write a list of the things that made it a good year…..

  • Love and support from close family
  • Good friends
  • Opportunities for meeting new people who enrich life
  • Exercise to feel good and improve health
  • Getting out in nature
  • Regular, healthy meals
  • Time to rest and recuperate
  • Helping others
  • Enjoying hobbies
  • Learning from a new challenge

The good news is that there are many more than 10 things on this list – this list goes on. So, my new view overall is – that was actually a great year full of challenges and opportunities that stretched old ways of thinking, increased learning and therefore enriched life! If you are feeling down about the last year perhaps your focus is in the wrong place. Take a step back and shift your focus onto what went well. What did you learn? How did you grow and develop emotionally? If you find this difficult, the easiest way to start is to think about what you can be grateful for this year – perhaps things, surroundings or people you have taken for granted? Get started now. I wonder how many you can write on your list?

I am Susan Tibbett, a Chartered Psychologist and Personal Development Specialist based in York. You can reach me at: http://www.mindmakeoveruk.com

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Mr Angry and Mr Calm – a lesson in Emotional Intelligence


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Have you ever been fascinated observing arguments between other people? If you’re anything like me then the answer to this question is a resounding YES. Perhaps I’m just a bit nosey but I’ve always been interested in the ways people interact and what it tells me about the social skills of the people involved.

I was listening and watching just such a disagreement the other day between 2 guys I shall call Mr Angry and Mr Calm. They got me thinking again about Emotional Intelligence and how the ability to manage people and relationships is so important in both our careers and our personal lives. To be successful in our interactions with other people we need to be continuously learning how to be more flexible, adaptable and accepting. Even in the face of someone else’s criticism, misguided opinion or downright nastiness, it is healthiest to find a measured response, even when emotions may be running high.

In the disagreement I watched, Mr Angry was being rude and arrogant and belittling everything Mr Calm said. Mr Calm, despite the provocation, decided not to respond with similar anger but to remain calm and walk away. This diffused the situation and left Mr Angry dumbfounded. I admired Mr Calm – it is not always easy to stay in control when confronted with an emotional, unreasoned outburst. He had clearly practiced this way of behaving and it stopped any escalation of the situation. How different it would have been if Mr Angry had met Mr Angry instead. Perhaps like me you’ve witnessed Road Rage, Shop Rage or Childlike Tantrums – and they never end well! So what can we learn from this about Emotional Intelligence?

Daniel Goleman, an American psychologist, developed a framework of 5 elements that define emotional intelligence:

Self-Awareness – Emotionally intelligent people understand their emotions, and because of this, they aren’t ruled by their feelings. People who are self aware confidently trust their intuition. They are also willing to analyse their own strengths and weaknesses so they can learn to improve.

Self-Regulation – Emotionally intelligent people are able to control their emotions and impulses, and typically don’t make rash decisions. They think before they act. People who self-regulate are thoughtful, comfortable with change, have integrity, and are assertive.

Motivation – Emotionally intelligent people are usually motivated. They recognize the value of deferring immediate results for long-term success. They are highly productive, welcome a challenge, and tend to be very effective in whatever they do.

Empathy – Emotionally intelligent people can identify with, and understand, the wants, needs, and viewpoints of others. They recognize how others may be feeling, even when this may not be obvious. They are excellent at managing relationships, listening, and relating to others. They avoid stereotyping and quick judgements, and they live their lives in a very open, honest way.

Social Skills – Emotionally intelligent people are easy to talk to and are usually very likeable. They are typically team players who are happy to help others develop and shine rather than focus on their own success. They are excellent communicators who manage disputes well and find it easy to build and maintain healthy relationships.

So how do you measure up? Who is more familiar – Mr/Mrs Angry or Mr/Mrs Calm? Observe how you react to other people. Do you make quick judgements before you know all of the facts? Do you stereotype people? Do you seek attention for what you’ve achieved? Do you know your own weaknesses? Are you willing to work on them? What are you like in stressful situations – do you get easily upset and emotional? Do you blame others before looking at yourself?

So what can we learn from Mr Calm – Mr Emotionally Intelligent?

The ability to stay calm and in control in difficult situations is highly valued – especially in the workplace. Think about how developing this skill could benefit your personal life too. Wouldn’t you like to be able to keep your emotions under control even when things go wrong? Next time you are in a stressful situation observe how you think and behave. Practice taking a step away from your initial emotional reaction and consider alternatives.
When we take an honest look at ourselves and evaluate our habitual ways of reacting and responding we often find there is a better way.

http://www.mindmakeoveruk.com